One Calorie In/ One Calorie Out

I'm depressed about the last blog I wrote about how I am depressed. As I sat in the bath after I logged off, thinking of how to get out of the quagmire of negativity I've sunk into--of course I berated myself for sitting in a nice hot bath when so many all over the world don't even have clean, safe drinking water--I thought of the permaculture principle that relates to why I am feeling so down. As I outlined earlier, I don't feel good (understatement) about any of the job options currently available to me because not only are none of them contributing to a sustainable world, they are harming the planet. While I know I am lucky to have any job at all considering there are people starving, a fact which I keep beating myself up with, I decided that accepting this out of guilt is another way of conceding to the status quo which wants to keep us in our places, head to the ground so we don't have time to look up and see what is being taken away from us--not just the liberty to travel across the earth at will, but the earth itself. The four sacred things--earth, air, fire and water, fall more and more under corporate control every day. This has become so much a part of our reality in the United States that we accept it. Hardly anyone questions our right to own land, in fact, in the U.S. psyche, this is considered a basic right--ownership is equated with breathing. We must pay for fire to heat our homes, and we must pay for water, whether it's from the water company, or by buying bottled water because we're afraid of what's coming out of the tap. We can still breathe the air for free, although there are probably secondary effects of doing so like asthma and cancer, and as all of us uninsured know, the medical costs to heal these sickenesses are outrageous. There's no such thing as a free lunch, my Uncle Herman always says. When I was little I would always try to prove this wasn't true, but I gave up eventually because he always managed to prove he was right. Now that I can see we don't really speak the same language, and that' he's not willing to try to learn mine, I just don't bother, although it's hard, and very stressful, to realize that you live in a whole different reality from most people around you, and if we don't try to communicate we won't be able to build the bridges we're going to need when the time to cross over (now) is at hand. So I know that I need to work on my communication skills. Writing these blogs is a beginning, a way to clarify my ideas so that when the time comes I am prepared to present my vision in clear and concise terms that can be understood by even the most empirically minded scientist, instead of through poetry, the language of my heart and soul. I know the only thing I can do is to keep on building the reality that I want to live in. The hard part is accepting that I might not ever get to live in it myself, thay may stay a dream.

So what is this reality I keep talking about? Well, it's sustainable. By this I mean it produces as much energy as it takes in, and it's built on and out of renewable sources. It exemplifies the principle one calorie in / one calorie out. In garden design this would mean that one doesn't export more biomass than carbon fixed by the solar budget. One way to do this is by composting material and using the compost to grow soil. As far as my work life, and that of the typical U.S. citizen, this is not the case. Most of us expend far more energy then we get back. It is those who own the fruits of our labor who gain the most energy, which in our case is measured by the dollar. When I think of how truly exploited people in developing countries are by this system, I again feel ashamed and guilty for being depressed about my situation. Almost enough to capitulate, just suck it up and go back to passing out styrofoam. But I've got a couple of more weeks, and if I do have to go back to that, then I know that I can try to make changes in my work place, and even if I fail, I spoke up, and that because of that, something more positive will come my way.

I want to consider the nature of shame and guilt. What function do these two emotions serve? It seems to me that shame and guilt keep people down. They are powerful regulators that we internalize as children, so strong they control people's lives, stop them from feeling joy in so many ways, stop them from following their dreams. Who do you think you are to want something different, guilt says. You're sick. You're disgusting. You deserve it, shame says. They are self-constraining, or negative feedback loops, which help maintain equilibrium. This can be a good thing in some cases, but when it's not, the answer is to create self-reinforcing loops which drive change. Self-reinforcing loops work by positive feedback. In my case, I can tell myself that my dreams of sustainability are worthy and reflect the true abundance of the earth. I can tell myself that any small act I take, even if it is only symbolic, will affect change in dimensions beyond what I can determine with my physical senses. I can ask for love and support with an open heart. I know it will come to me. It always does. I know that I receive far more than I give, and tonight, instead of feeling guilty about this, I am just going to say thanks.