Ayahuasca Medicina

Ayahuasca..........the name has the sound of serpent within it, a creature of beauty and ancient, instinctive terror for many, a poisonous creature who can kill, who can wrap its body around ours and strangle until their is no air left in our lungs, who is total annihilation......a creature who waits under rocks, who blends in with the trees, a creature who is sliding toward you right now in the long grass or in the muddy brown water, a creature that wants you.

Ayahuasca is known as the vine of souls, the vine of death. It is a potent medicine from Amazonia that has been used by jungle shamans as a medicine to heal the soul. Ayuahasca is a spirit that speaks through a plant. Ayuahasca is the medicine of forgiveness deeply rooted in the consciousness of the earth, the underworld where our past wounds are stored until we retrieve them, forgiving those who wound us, forgiving ourselves for being wounded, forgiving the wound because we know that it was necessary for us to realize we are whole. Ayahuasca has been calling me for several years now. Calling me to shed my skin. Calling me to reveal my shining beauty in the sun on a warm, flat rock, unafraid to be seen, calling me to awaken the serpent energy within to connect earth and spirit in the middle realm of my body. Ayahuasca, ayahuasca, ayahuasca......the name a rattle on the mountain, the hiss of a forked tongue, a shaman's rattle in a round, dark room.

I wanted to make this connection. I needed to make this connection. I moved toward this connection with instinct and inevitability like a river winding its way through thousands of miles of dense green jungle to the open air of the light anointed ocean. But I was afraid of ayahuasca, afraid to alter my consciousness because my beloved guide Maria had advised me that it was dangerous to do so, and I had stopped using substances to alter myself five years ago. No alcohol, no marijuana, no LSD, no mushrooms, and no real desire for any of them but ayahuasca, the vine of the soul, the medicine of forgiveness calling me to South America, to the land of the emerald hummingbirds to shed my skin once again.

But I have grown much stronger in the past five years through my work with Maria, both less and more vulnerable. Less vulnerable to having my consciousness overtaken by other people or entities, more vulnerable in the sense that my heart has grown deeper. I have more compassion for myself and others, and more clarity. I knew that it was my heart that was calling me to ayahuasca, not my mind, which I have seen is often the case with people who are not content with ordinary consciousness. They become spiritual thrill seekers, "trippers" who live for the next vision, and if they are not careful, they lose pieces of their soul bit by bit. It is necessary to have a strong container, a guide, a round basket to hold the snake while the music to awaken it gently enters the dark space with an invitation to dance, the energy slowly building to the moment we all want to know, the moment of the birth of our soul, the moment where the Milky Way is born, the moment where the universe uncoils itself, and the moment when we drop through the black hole in the center of our galaxy, the relief of death, the reassurance we know in our bones of its aweson and utter beauty.

I found the container through a friend in the U.S. His name was Alonso del Rio, an ayahuascero who I knew I could trust to guide me as soon as I heard his beautiful songs on a CD I bought from my friend, who frequently journeys to Peru to work with Alonso. On New Year's Eve I made my way to his home in a gulch not far from Pisac, where a waterfall pours off the mountain in a great torrent, cleansing and blessing the land and its people in a continual flow. At six o'clock I took my place in the round adobe room with a conical thatched roof. There were close to forty of us. A huge number for a ceremony. There was an altar built of adobe in the center of the room lit by candles. One by one we prayed our heart's desire and walked toward Alonso and knelt, who handed us a small glass of the medicine with reverence. I drank it, nervous, and walked back to my seat to lean back against the earthen wall. When everyone was done the doors were closed and the candles were blown out. We were in total darkness with nothing to hold onto, but we had Alonso's songs, which permeated the dark as the spirit began to wind through my blood and cells.

I had prepared my body by eating very little for four days before the ceremony, and for fasting on the actual day. Ayahuasca is a purgative. Its medicine works by causing one to purge negativity, or shadow energy. Sometimes this happens on a physical level. I was afraid of throwing up, of losing control of my body. We were each given a little bucket which I set in front of my feet to vomit in if the need arose. I was afraid, but sure I would not vomit. I would not lose control.

My intention was to open to being fully human and grounded in the earth. To experience unconditional love for the state of being human and for all humans themselves, something which I have struggled with my whole life as a sensitive person who has so keenly felt the imbalance and sickness of our world.

Alonso's guitar and voice sang his heart and the hearts of us all, and the hearts of the hummingbird and of the waterfall. He sang of shattered souls and of broken mirrors, and within his voice was the promise that all could once again be whole. I felt myself beginning to lose control, the medicine rushing through me like lightning, like a locomotive, something so strong I knew I could never control it and I began to panic a little, and wonder why I had done this to myself. I could hear, very close by, in my left ear, the voice of a very ancient woman speaking in a language I did not know, and then...... I was somewhere else, on the other side, but still in the same room, listening to Alonso sing and feeling the journeys of everyone around me. I felt peaceful, no longer afraid, and I realized I had thrown up on myself, but it was only the ayahuasca, a reassuring wetness on my chin that let me know I was still human.

To be human, that it was I had asked for. For the rest of the ceremony I sat in the dark filled with love, allowing Alonso's songs to soften my heart until I had no needs left to be fulfilled. I could tell the people around me were having far different journeys, seeing the visions I had expected to see, and my disappointment faded, too. After about two hours, Alonso lit a sparkler and said Happy New Year to everyone! The light was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, until his wife relit the candles, until the fire in the center of the room was kindled and we could see each other in the circle, cleansed, having forgiven whatever each one of us needed to become a little more whole. The music continued, more from Alonso, and from the people in the circle. Gentle drums and flutes, a song from Sweden, laughing songs, birdsongs, whalesongs, humansongs. I have never been so content in my life.

As I listened to the songs, more clear and lucid than I had ever been in my life when I had expected to be more confused, I felt so glad that I had overcome my fear and come to this ceremony, and so proud of myself for asking what was in my heart, instead of what my mind wanted, which was more knowledge. I felt an ancient, tribal connection to everyone in the room and remembered what it felt like to be at peace with myself and the earth, remembered what it felt like to have knowledge of the whole world without leaving the safety of one room because I was connected to everything outside of it, as were all those inside with me connected to all of creation. I felt such love for everyone there, and a little shy in my loving, like a young deer tentatively walking out into a field from the cover of the forest, called by the love within her own body.

Maybe I am not one who is meant to see visions, but to feel them instead, and to embody them in all of my actions from taking a breath to buying bread or smiling at a stranger when I walk down a street I don't know. I slowly allowed my body to sink down onto and into the packed earth floor as the circle began to grow larger, people walking out into the night, heading for home. My friend who had told me about Alonso was there that night, but we couldn't speak or make eye contact as he was on a month long retreat, but he knew I was there, and we fell asleep on the ground next to each other in the womb of the mother, and I felt his peace become a part of the peace that I was, and always will be, even if I forget. Ayahuasca, medicine of forgiveness, vine of our soul.

There are many here in Pisac and its environs who drink ayahuasca regularly, and who were ready for the next ceremony, and there were those more experienced than I who said to just listen if ayahuasca was calling me, then I would know when the time was right to drink again. I felt right afterwards that I did not want to drink again soon, maybe never, and slipped back into the fears of the mind right away, wondering if it was my fear that was stopping me, my own self doubt that has stopped me for so long from wrapping myself in the mantle of power that will allow me to be of best service to the world, a power that comes from the heart, truly earned. For about a week I went through these ups and downs, wondering if I wasn't strong enough, questioning why I didn't see visions, connecting with some of the beautiful people in the ceremony when I saw them around town, all the time calling on my own divinity to guide me to make the right choice. Last night I knew that it was not necessary for me to drink ayahuasca again right now, but I was also told that I could work with the plant in the spirit realm, that I didn't have to go through the violence of the physical ingesting of the plant in order to go deeper into my soul. I realized that I have already done so much work in the lower realm, or underworld, with Maria, much more than I know, and was able to see that many of those who needed to drink on a regular basis were doing the work that I had done with her in this manner, putting back together the lost pieces of their souls. I also received an invitation from ayahuasca to transmute the energy of the earth, to allow the plant to use me as an instrument to purify the darkness which is no longer needed in such great measure on earth because we are entering a time where we will no longer need to learn through contrasts, to return it home to the light.

We have learned so much from the darkness, but it is time to release this way of being on earth. We no longer need to suffer or sacrifice to learn. This does not mean we don't have to work, only that, if we are in alignment with our souls, that the work will be a pleasure, something that feeds us and others as well. My work today is to write these words to you, to share the medicine of forgiveness and the peace in my heart, and to show you my vulnerability, the tenderness inside me for each one of you, my compassion for myself, my ability to love my wounds and yours, my intention to embody the unconditional love that Jesus seeded on Earth two thousand years ago, which if flowering now within all of us. We no longer need a savior, we are the light, the flaming heart, the waters of forgiveness, the air beneath the wings of the eagle, all contained within these bodies whose feet are welcomed by the giving and forgiving Earth.

Ayahuasca, allow me to continue to let go with grace, to shine, to know, to love, to be an ambassador of peace. Mitakeye Oasin.....To All My Relations. I honor you. I love you. I am you.