Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Questioning Fear

Most of you who know me know that for the past few years I have been occupied with the subject of apocalypse--not preoccupied, I must say, since that would mean it was distracting me from more important matters. This has been the most important matter for me. For awhile (after Sept. 11th) I thougth that I was going to physically die soon. I didn't think this because I was afraid of terrorists, I just felt every day that something was going to happen to me and that I was going to leave my body soon. At the time I was drinking and had some very intense psylocibin trips that were leading me to believe this. It took almost getting in an accident in which two deer dashed in front of my car as I raced past the dashboard to make me realize that I was giving so much energy to this thought that I was going to manifest my physical death. Something within me chose to put on the brakes just in time and I missed the deer. The next day, with the help of the shamanic healer I have been seeing for the past few years, I decided not to drink alcohol anymore. She was able to make me see that alcohol was feeding the part of me that wanted to die, and that even what people consider a moderate amount, was too much for me. As I shifted into an alcohol free life, my visions of personal and global apocalypse shifted, as my fears became less dense and overwhelming, so did my view of the changes taking place on the earth plane. One day, while reading a difficult, obscure book by the poet Jorie Graham,so difficult I had to look things up in the footnotes to understand what she was talking about a lot of the time, I came across some information that changed everything for me. This is where I learned the meaning of the word apocalypse--to lift the veil--derived from the nymph Callypso who would have lifted the veil of mortality for Odysseus if he would have stayed with her instead of sailing on toward Penelope. I now saw the apocalypse as a great awakening, a time when the veil that blinded humanity was going to be lifted, when we would know our purpose on earth, and the purpose of earth in relationship to the galaxy. I became less afraid. As I started wandering in cyberspace and in books, I discovered that there were lots of other people out there who also saw this time as a shift in the consciousness of humanity, a shift into a multidimensional state of being in which we will collectively see beyond the veil of materialism and be able to connect with the spirit realm.. When we will realize we are teh spirit realm too, and that all we create is a manifestation of thought--this has been proven in quantum physics by experiments which show that human consciousness can change cellular structure. Check out the amazing book Messages From Water, by Dr. Masaharu Emoto, which has pictures of frozen water molecules, all of them different, as they respond to music, evil names, pollution, or prayer. This book truly proves that our thoughts creates our reality. It will blow your mind if you haven't thought of the world in this way before, and even if you have, it will give you proof that your intuition has been right all along.

These end of the world ideas may sound strange to some, but they are all over television and movies--I just actually believe them! I never took the X-Files seriously, or saw science fiction novels as anything but entertaining fantasies. Whether you call it the kali yuga of the Hindus, The Rapture of fundamentalist Christians, or if you believe the Mayan prophecies or the Hopi prophecies, this awakening is a mass phenomenon all over our planet that has been predicted since time has been recorded.

With my newfound sober outlook, I chose to follow the path of faith instead of fear, using my personal healing as a template for healing the planet. That is how I found myself at Earth Activist Training this January. Before I went there I wasn't afraid, when I left I was. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't feel the same fear as everyone else when I first got there. I told myself that I hadn't become afraid yet because I wasn't an activist like they were. Most of the people there were heavily involved in struggling against globalism and the Bush administration. They were exhausted and discouraged and terrified. I felt less than they because all I had been doing was hanging out on an island writing poetry and dealing with my own healing. I wanted to be involved in the struggle too, and by the time I left I was inoculated. I left scared and determined to fight for the earth like the beautiful warriors I met at EAT.

The most beneficial thing about this blog for me is it gives me an opportunity to make my thoughts clear to myself. By getting feedback from you I am able to look at myself much more clearly and deeply than I would if I was just wandering in my own mind. Well, I've come back to "my" senses now, and by my, I mean what I really believe, not what I picked up from others. I had a session with Maria today, and she confirmed for me what I already knew, fighting the system is only going to feed the system. There are two different dreams available to us on a collective level on earth right now--the one of planetary domination George Bush and his cohorts believe in, and the dream of abundance and peace that is now also possible on an energetic level. This is the apocalypse--the other world is already here. The energies on earth now no longer support the system of planetary domination. We don't have to protest it. It is going to die out on its own because there is nothing feeding it now but our fear. If we protest the old way, if we insist on setting up our new systems (like permaculture) in theirs, we will become infected with their despair and anger as their world dies, and we will not be able to fully achieve our vision because we don't fully believe in it. As a newly forged activist, this seemed like a betrayal of the cause and of my new friends to me. To a hardened activist, I imagine it must seem selfish, even deluded. All I can say, is based on the information I am receiving, we do not have to be sacrifices. This doesn't mean we can be complacent and everything will just work out fine. Every choice we make is important. That is why I am excited about permaculture and the ways it can help me live sustainably and help create sustainable communities that reflect the new energies here on earth. As for those who can't make the shift, I don't know what will happen to them. My instincts tell me that they will lose their physical lives in the old reality, never knowing the heaven on earth we are going to create in my lifetime, but since I believe in reincarnation, I know they will come back and be part of the process. This is not an easy thing for me to say. I feel foolish. I fear I will be misinterpreted, or that I will make people angry, but since I started this blog, I feel like I can't just leave this big shift in my mind and heart out. I am glad I was able to remember my truth today, but I'm also glad I went into that space of fear, because it's encouraged people to speak out to me, to reveal themselves and what they believe, to share pieces of their journey. I still believe what I said about the function of fear in the earlier posts, I am just happy to report that I am no longer feeling it, and because of this I feel free! And so excited to be living at this time on earth. If you are living now, know that you came into a body to be a part of this change too, and don't be afraid to trust the little voices in your head that tell you all is right in the world. Follow those voices. Love who you are and where you are. Don't be afraid of you wildest dreams.

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