Poetry column: From the safe harbor of academia to the storm-tossed self
01:00 AM EST on Sunday, November 6, 2005 by Tom Chandler
The twisty road to the writing life has no guardrails. There are plenty of off-ramps but very little signage.
Jen Lighty has wanted to be a writer for as long as she can remember. She grew up in Connecticut, writing poems all through her childhood. After high school she still had the itch, but decided to pursue an academic career because it seemed safe.
So she went to George Washington University, where she earned a degree in English, and gave up writing poems because she had by now convinced herself she wanted to be an 18th-century scholar. Like most English majors, though, she realized she would need time and experience to find her true calling, and so traveled for a few years after college, living in Hawaii, New Orleans, Colorado and California.
Jen worked her way back toward poetry by enrolling in the Breadloaf School in Vermont, where she received a master's degree. She went on from there to Warren Wilson College's MFA program in poetry writing, but still felt unable to commit to a future of poverty and obscurity, which seemed to her the fate of contemporary poets who try to make a living outside of academia. She says now it was probably that she was more afraid of uncovering who she really was, that "poetry was the path to my soul, but I was afraid to walk down it."
She finally ended up spending a winter on Block Island, a place that had left an indelible impression on her since she had spent her first summer there at age 5. Jen has now been a full-time resident for nine years, and has at last come to see that Block Island has truly been her greatest teacher.
Since settling in, her poems and stories have appeared in such journals as The North American Review, Seneca Review and Birmingham Poetry Review. Her first collection of poems, Siren, was published in 2002.
Of her poem "Animal Speak," Jen had this to say:
"The events in the poem actually happened, and I wrote it at the beginning of what some would call a 'breakdown,' but which I (now that I am on the other side) call a 'breakthrough.'
"I came face-to-face with those deer in the poem, and lay in the sand beneath the fallen watchtower on the southwest corner of the island. This was the beginning of my spiritual emergence (not emergency). On that day, I surrendered to the island and feel that I have been a voice for this piece of land ever since."
"Animal Speak" was first published in Poet Lore.
Animal Speak
This could be the last full moon before the end of the world,
said the two deer who crossed my path last night.
When I came upon the buck and doe in the goldenrod haze of day,
they froze in my gaze.
Fear exploded like the cock pheasant rattling across the sky as I write.
If I had a gun, they'd be hanging from a tree
so their blood wouldn't stain their meat.
They had weeping willow legs,
their withers trembled like an earthquake.
In the not so distant, the hounds bayed.
With a bow and arrow I could have
pinned their hearts to the ground,
but a spring rose up through the clay at my feet.
An arrow flew from their eyes and sank into
the black hole in the center of mine.
I saw I had always been blind, and I knew
why I'd always been thirsty.
I pressed my stone heart to the ground and took a drink.
The clay was cool, cracked and worn away by wind and feet.
It knew better than anyone how to receive.
I gave the earth my shame.
All the arrows I had flung without thinking whom they would meet.
I asked the earth to punish me, but she said come this way.
The doe walked into the west, the buck followed.
Some of my teachers have led me astray,
but they were all leading me to these tracks on the beach,
the hoofprints that I followed,
knowing my life had finally found me.
All I had to do now was keep walking,
but the sand stung my face like a swarm of bees.
For hours I fell through the glass,
wading up to my knees, to my waist, to my ribs and lungs,
I knew my heart would break.
I finally lay down and asked the sand to bury me,
but I choked on the words, spitting out grains
because I still wanted to breathe.
I was blind now.
The wind pulled me to a fallen watchtower
where my ancestors had waited to be destroyed.
I heard the planes close in and submarines rise.
And when my ears were clogged with sand, I cried.
Even the wind had abandoned me.
I had thought my ancestors would greet me,
but there was nothing in that empty space.
Finality may be as unrecognizable as the sperm and egg
that set you upon this path in the first place.
Heaven is the first house you come upon,
after six hours of walking the edge of an island
scoured by waves.
You are shocked that heaven is lit by electric lights,
but you enter their orbit because by now
you'll accept any embrace.
So this is why they stand frozen -- the ache.
-- JEN LIGHTY
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Reflections On Consensus
Reflections On Consensus
by Jen Lighty
Consensus is a way of making a decision within a group that honors the individual contributions that each member has to make. It is process oriented, rather than focused on achieving a product or result at all costs.
Most of us who came of age in 20th century America have been raised in a society that values the product at all costs--whether it be chasing down a client, getting a big tip, achieving a perfect body, relationship or child--we tend to judge ourselves on winning, rather than on how we play the game. As you know, the most competitive players are usually the ones who win--those who come out on top.
We call this a hierarchy--a social system where people compete for their position on a vertical scale. Generally, the more dominant and aggressive traits of the human personality are the most valued, as they enable the person who possesses them to grab control and rise to the top. This behavior is often justified by comparing it to the animal kingdom. This attitude--that it is the fittest who survive and prosper, is one of the paradigms that shape our consensual reality. It is systemic in all aspects of our existence on earth. Not only does it reflect our attitude toward every aspect of our personal and public relationships, it mirrors the way we think about the earth--as something under our control, to be dominated and used.
Before I go into the problems with this mode of thought, I would like to identify it as just that--a way of thinking that is based on separation, a firm belief that the material world exists as something unchangeable outside ourselves. However, as discoveries in quantum physics have shown, consciousness can alter physical reality. If enough of us are able to feel and think a different way of being, than the physical world will reflect our thoughts, creating a new consensual reality. In other words, it is our choice. Do you want to live in a world where only the fittest survive, or in a world where everyone is allowed to flower without fear of being devoured by wild beasts?
Back to the problem. The problem with hierarchies is that they are not sustainable. They demand infallibility--when one weakens, one falls and looses one’s authority. When one can no longer perform, one is expendable. This way of thinking has been taken to its extreme. It reaches into all aspects of our consciousness, including the way we relate as a society to the earth. By constantly expecting the land to perform for us, we have exhausted its resources and created a situation where there now seems that there is not enough for all to share. This is a lie based on fear created by those who are invested in the hierarchical system! We have the choice to co-create new paradigms based on respect and sharing. When enough of us decide to do this, we will embody these values, and since our bodies are physically no different from the earth, it will change as well.
Consensus is a way for us to re-create ourselves based on mutual respect. It recognizes that we all have unique contributions to make, and that we all serve as mirrors for each other, enabling us to learn our own strengths and weaknesses as we go through the process of determining the best way to achieve our desired result. Above all, consensus is a way for us to recognize that we are here to learn from each other--that earth is a school--and that the emotions which arise when working in a group are the most important lessons. If we only value the qualities which enable us to most efficiently grab control and win (the capitalist model), then we risk losing the many opportunities to fully develop ourselves provided for us by working in a group.
My experience: I learned about consensus at Earth Activist Training, a program combining permaculture, energy work, and social activism. We worked in small groups on permaculture design projects using the consensus method.
In my experience, consensus can be frustrating and exhausting, but the rewards of learning about myself as I learned to listen to the needs of other people were far more rewarding than presenting our final product. Unless the group is really adept at self-organizing, a good facilitator definitely helps. Someone who can bring out the best in everyone. Accustomed to being overlooked in a hierarchy, quiet and shy people often don’t speak at all. It is the role of the facilitator to give them space to be heard, and to moderate the more dominant types without quelling their enthusiasm. A major part of facilitating (and of being a member of a group) is to look for what’s going on beneath the surface of what’s being said. This is where emotional wounds fester, wounds which have the potential to erupt at a later point, often making it difficult for the group to cohere enough to present the best that they can for the common good.
As a decisive person blessed with the ability to create an overall vision with ease, it was difficult for me to sit back and give the less decisive room to let their thoughts ramble where they needed to go. By sitting back and listening, I learned the value of patience, and the pleasure to be found in piecing the vision together from detail to detail. The experience can be likened to following the tracks of an unknown animal over the landscape one step at at time. When you finally discover what you’ve been following, the thrill and sense of satisfaction will be much greater than if one knew at the beginning.
Ego insecurities will most likely come out in consensus. I noticed in our group that most of us had been conditioned to want approval by the authority figures (although not by the teachers at EAT!). The fear that we would fail and not have a project that was good enough to present to the group hung over us the whole time and brought out the aspects of our personalities that needed refinement.
One other problem that can arise, is the inability to make a decision. I found that nobody in our group wanted to step on anyone’s toes. Nobody wanted to be seen as trying to grab power by finalizing everything. We had all internalized such negative messages about capitalism and the hierarchical models of organization that we suppressed our leadership abilities, and even our creativity to some extent. It is hard to flow with one’s creative energy others in the group are mulling over process points. This is where splitting into subgroups can be handy. Identify what people are best at and have them report back to the main group. The main thing really, is for everyone to just let go and recognize what they are best at, and for everyone in the group to realize that every task has equal value. Being able to locate paper and pens is just as important as being able to draw.
I found the mechanics of the process awkward and stifling--having to make proposals and then having to vote on each one before doing, but I could see how it was a necessary step in retraining a group of people who had been taught to forge ahead toward a goal no matter what the cost. Once I realized this, I was able to let go of my ego needs and enjoy the energy dynamics of the people I was privileged to work with.
Finally, when meltdowns occur, consider that these moments of uncontrolled emotion may be far more important than getting the project done. I’m not sure this happened very smoothly in the group I worked on--at least not right at the time they happened--although they were addressed afterwards in private. I think a little steamrolling may have occurred at the end when the group decided (without speaking the decision out loud) to just forge ahead despite the hurt feelings or frustrations of those who were still stuck emotionally. Maybe this was the action that needed to be taken for the greatest good--I’m not sure. In creatures like ants, who, from the human perspective, seem to work as a group mind with ease, the boundaries seem a lot more clearly defined. But we are not ants--we are humans, blessed with the gift of emotions. We get to choose whether or not we want to let go and fall into the arms of the universe, and if we do, we are able to see that nothing is out of order at all. We are always in the right place at the right time. It is in moments of realization like this, that compassion for others, and most importantly, for one’s self, is born. And in my case, gratitude for the lessons learned.
by Jen Lighty
Consensus is a way of making a decision within a group that honors the individual contributions that each member has to make. It is process oriented, rather than focused on achieving a product or result at all costs.
Most of us who came of age in 20th century America have been raised in a society that values the product at all costs--whether it be chasing down a client, getting a big tip, achieving a perfect body, relationship or child--we tend to judge ourselves on winning, rather than on how we play the game. As you know, the most competitive players are usually the ones who win--those who come out on top.
We call this a hierarchy--a social system where people compete for their position on a vertical scale. Generally, the more dominant and aggressive traits of the human personality are the most valued, as they enable the person who possesses them to grab control and rise to the top. This behavior is often justified by comparing it to the animal kingdom. This attitude--that it is the fittest who survive and prosper, is one of the paradigms that shape our consensual reality. It is systemic in all aspects of our existence on earth. Not only does it reflect our attitude toward every aspect of our personal and public relationships, it mirrors the way we think about the earth--as something under our control, to be dominated and used.
Before I go into the problems with this mode of thought, I would like to identify it as just that--a way of thinking that is based on separation, a firm belief that the material world exists as something unchangeable outside ourselves. However, as discoveries in quantum physics have shown, consciousness can alter physical reality. If enough of us are able to feel and think a different way of being, than the physical world will reflect our thoughts, creating a new consensual reality. In other words, it is our choice. Do you want to live in a world where only the fittest survive, or in a world where everyone is allowed to flower without fear of being devoured by wild beasts?
Back to the problem. The problem with hierarchies is that they are not sustainable. They demand infallibility--when one weakens, one falls and looses one’s authority. When one can no longer perform, one is expendable. This way of thinking has been taken to its extreme. It reaches into all aspects of our consciousness, including the way we relate as a society to the earth. By constantly expecting the land to perform for us, we have exhausted its resources and created a situation where there now seems that there is not enough for all to share. This is a lie based on fear created by those who are invested in the hierarchical system! We have the choice to co-create new paradigms based on respect and sharing. When enough of us decide to do this, we will embody these values, and since our bodies are physically no different from the earth, it will change as well.
Consensus is a way for us to re-create ourselves based on mutual respect. It recognizes that we all have unique contributions to make, and that we all serve as mirrors for each other, enabling us to learn our own strengths and weaknesses as we go through the process of determining the best way to achieve our desired result. Above all, consensus is a way for us to recognize that we are here to learn from each other--that earth is a school--and that the emotions which arise when working in a group are the most important lessons. If we only value the qualities which enable us to most efficiently grab control and win (the capitalist model), then we risk losing the many opportunities to fully develop ourselves provided for us by working in a group.
My experience: I learned about consensus at Earth Activist Training, a program combining permaculture, energy work, and social activism. We worked in small groups on permaculture design projects using the consensus method.
In my experience, consensus can be frustrating and exhausting, but the rewards of learning about myself as I learned to listen to the needs of other people were far more rewarding than presenting our final product. Unless the group is really adept at self-organizing, a good facilitator definitely helps. Someone who can bring out the best in everyone. Accustomed to being overlooked in a hierarchy, quiet and shy people often don’t speak at all. It is the role of the facilitator to give them space to be heard, and to moderate the more dominant types without quelling their enthusiasm. A major part of facilitating (and of being a member of a group) is to look for what’s going on beneath the surface of what’s being said. This is where emotional wounds fester, wounds which have the potential to erupt at a later point, often making it difficult for the group to cohere enough to present the best that they can for the common good.
As a decisive person blessed with the ability to create an overall vision with ease, it was difficult for me to sit back and give the less decisive room to let their thoughts ramble where they needed to go. By sitting back and listening, I learned the value of patience, and the pleasure to be found in piecing the vision together from detail to detail. The experience can be likened to following the tracks of an unknown animal over the landscape one step at at time. When you finally discover what you’ve been following, the thrill and sense of satisfaction will be much greater than if one knew at the beginning.
Ego insecurities will most likely come out in consensus. I noticed in our group that most of us had been conditioned to want approval by the authority figures (although not by the teachers at EAT!). The fear that we would fail and not have a project that was good enough to present to the group hung over us the whole time and brought out the aspects of our personalities that needed refinement.
One other problem that can arise, is the inability to make a decision. I found that nobody in our group wanted to step on anyone’s toes. Nobody wanted to be seen as trying to grab power by finalizing everything. We had all internalized such negative messages about capitalism and the hierarchical models of organization that we suppressed our leadership abilities, and even our creativity to some extent. It is hard to flow with one’s creative energy others in the group are mulling over process points. This is where splitting into subgroups can be handy. Identify what people are best at and have them report back to the main group. The main thing really, is for everyone to just let go and recognize what they are best at, and for everyone in the group to realize that every task has equal value. Being able to locate paper and pens is just as important as being able to draw.
I found the mechanics of the process awkward and stifling--having to make proposals and then having to vote on each one before doing, but I could see how it was a necessary step in retraining a group of people who had been taught to forge ahead toward a goal no matter what the cost. Once I realized this, I was able to let go of my ego needs and enjoy the energy dynamics of the people I was privileged to work with.
Finally, when meltdowns occur, consider that these moments of uncontrolled emotion may be far more important than getting the project done. I’m not sure this happened very smoothly in the group I worked on--at least not right at the time they happened--although they were addressed afterwards in private. I think a little steamrolling may have occurred at the end when the group decided (without speaking the decision out loud) to just forge ahead despite the hurt feelings or frustrations of those who were still stuck emotionally. Maybe this was the action that needed to be taken for the greatest good--I’m not sure. In creatures like ants, who, from the human perspective, seem to work as a group mind with ease, the boundaries seem a lot more clearly defined. But we are not ants--we are humans, blessed with the gift of emotions. We get to choose whether or not we want to let go and fall into the arms of the universe, and if we do, we are able to see that nothing is out of order at all. We are always in the right place at the right time. It is in moments of realization like this, that compassion for others, and most importantly, for one’s self, is born. And in my case, gratitude for the lessons learned.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
The Soul Gets To Choose
Sacrifice leads to bliss...
Forgiveness is the path to unconditional love...
These are two of the dominant paradigms that have shaped human cultures all over the planet for the last four thousand years or so. Both of them imply that we live in a fallen world, that life on earth is a punishment for a sin against God, that because we sinned, we must be punished by learning through pain.
For example, I first felt unconditional love through being betrayed over and over again. Finally, after the most painful of all the betrayals, I realized my own role in creating the situation where I felt so much pain. This occurred because I was able to see beyond what my ego wanted for my life, and what my soul was trying to teach me. When the soul chooses to incarnate somewhere, it has to adapt to the rules of the domain where it appears--that is how it learns, how it becomes aware of itself (this is how I see it at least). On earth, as the ego experiences pain, it is giving the person the opportunity to make a choice: choose to realize that you attracted the experience of betrayal. When I realized this, my heart was filled with so much love for the person who betrayed me. I was able to see how I had been only using such a little part of my heart, keeping the rest safe because I didnt' trust in the divine plan of the universe. One can also choose to shut down, to sink into the pain until there is no separation between it and you. You embrace your identity as victim and your heart closes down. I don't know why I finally decided to realize that I was attracting the experiences of betrayal. I don't think there is a rational explanation. It was not an intellectual choice. I think my soul just knew that it was time for me to learn this lesson--divine intervention occurred, what we sometimes call grace.
Now to my next point, the one I am really excited about! I believe the two paradigms I listed at the beginning of this post are relics of the past. The energy on earth no longer supports them. We are now in a time where one does not have to sacrifice in order to experience bliss, and where one does not have to experience painful betrayals in order to experience unconditional love. Forgiveness is no longer a necessary part of the process because we will no longer be learning through pain. Although the world may look like it is falling apart, this is the last gasp of those who will not let go of the control they exert over others, a control based on fear, and on the paradigm that life on earth is one of suffering that will be redeemed in Heaven.
I don't have any facts or evidence to back this up, but my heart knows this is true, and I trust my feelings over anything else. Another thing I learned from being betrayed--one's feelings are usually right, not what one knows intellectually. This gives me another reason to thank all those who have betrayed me!
So what will our new paradigms be? For me, poetry is the language of feeling, but I wanted to sketch my ideas out here to provide the images I feel coming some structure, and to ask all of you what you think. What do you think human life on earth will be like now that we don't have to sacrifice, now that we don't have to be redeemed, now that heaven will be here on earth, now that we don't have to protect our hearts because they won't have to be damaged so that we can learn to forgive to re-open them to the limitless glory of divine love?
Forgiveness is the path to unconditional love...
These are two of the dominant paradigms that have shaped human cultures all over the planet for the last four thousand years or so. Both of them imply that we live in a fallen world, that life on earth is a punishment for a sin against God, that because we sinned, we must be punished by learning through pain.
For example, I first felt unconditional love through being betrayed over and over again. Finally, after the most painful of all the betrayals, I realized my own role in creating the situation where I felt so much pain. This occurred because I was able to see beyond what my ego wanted for my life, and what my soul was trying to teach me. When the soul chooses to incarnate somewhere, it has to adapt to the rules of the domain where it appears--that is how it learns, how it becomes aware of itself (this is how I see it at least). On earth, as the ego experiences pain, it is giving the person the opportunity to make a choice: choose to realize that you attracted the experience of betrayal. When I realized this, my heart was filled with so much love for the person who betrayed me. I was able to see how I had been only using such a little part of my heart, keeping the rest safe because I didnt' trust in the divine plan of the universe. One can also choose to shut down, to sink into the pain until there is no separation between it and you. You embrace your identity as victim and your heart closes down. I don't know why I finally decided to realize that I was attracting the experiences of betrayal. I don't think there is a rational explanation. It was not an intellectual choice. I think my soul just knew that it was time for me to learn this lesson--divine intervention occurred, what we sometimes call grace.
Now to my next point, the one I am really excited about! I believe the two paradigms I listed at the beginning of this post are relics of the past. The energy on earth no longer supports them. We are now in a time where one does not have to sacrifice in order to experience bliss, and where one does not have to experience painful betrayals in order to experience unconditional love. Forgiveness is no longer a necessary part of the process because we will no longer be learning through pain. Although the world may look like it is falling apart, this is the last gasp of those who will not let go of the control they exert over others, a control based on fear, and on the paradigm that life on earth is one of suffering that will be redeemed in Heaven.
I don't have any facts or evidence to back this up, but my heart knows this is true, and I trust my feelings over anything else. Another thing I learned from being betrayed--one's feelings are usually right, not what one knows intellectually. This gives me another reason to thank all those who have betrayed me!
So what will our new paradigms be? For me, poetry is the language of feeling, but I wanted to sketch my ideas out here to provide the images I feel coming some structure, and to ask all of you what you think. What do you think human life on earth will be like now that we don't have to sacrifice, now that we don't have to be redeemed, now that heaven will be here on earth, now that we don't have to protect our hearts because they won't have to be damaged so that we can learn to forgive to re-open them to the limitless glory of divine love?
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