The wave didn't come yesterday. Well, there were lots of waves touching the island, more than anyone could ever count, but The Wave is of another sort. It was supposed to wash us all clean, to sweep us all away, to leave behind those who were meant to be here now on earth to embody the new consciousness that has been birthed here in the energetic realms. I'm still not sure what would have happened to me if the wave had come. I still don't feel like the earth is my home. I still dont' know if this makes me a failure or if I am just supposed to accept that I have no work left to do here and move on to somewhere else. All my life I have felt an exile. A lone wolf. A former lover, also an artist, says that's just how all artists feel. We represent that feeling of exile and go through it for all of humanity, who feels it to some extent, just not as strongly. All I know is that I have reached a point where feeling like an exile is unbearable. Nothink makes me feel at home. Not even my art. My words just take me further out into to the open sea, but the sea is not the right metaphor, because the sea, while alien, is of the earth. My words take me into the complete unknown. Into black holes. Dark matter runs through my veins, not the hot red blood I know would gush out if I took a knife and slashed my self open, and I have been angry enough to do this in the past couple of days, barely holding the anger in--why--because I judge even my own anger. I don't want to make a mess or disappoint anyone. I see myself as absolutely pathetic. As a person undeserving of love who has failed whatever my mission on earth was. I can't even just enjoy the simple pleasures that come with every day. I am a complete fraud, walking around making small talk to forget how lonely I am and saying yes to things I dont' want to do and don't believe in. I don't care about anything.
The wave didn't come yesterday. Or did it? Has it been coming for months now as I slowly let go of all doubts and fears, so slowly I don't know they're being swept away? It would be easier if they were washed away by something as obvious as a tsunami. To die is easier than to live in some ways. Does anyone else feel these things? Are you being swept away and are you struggling against the current that wants to erase you becuase you are the only thing you have to hold onto when you go to sleep at night?
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2 comments:
Aw, c'mon WhiteWave, if it's not the tsunami it'll be the cataclysm when the earth's poles flop over 90°, or maybe it'll be the magnetic fields that wane (just a little bit further) until all the solar radiation seeps in... speaking of solar radiation have you seen Sunspot 758? Its like 10 earths wide! It enormous! =O
And sure, sure, who can argue that people don't suck? But don't you want to see them get theirs in the end? What's more, aren't you even curious? I mean, I really don't think you'll have that long to wait. Even if it all goes to hell in 2012, I think it will become very exciting much, much earlier. Of course noone wants to live in a post-apocalyptic hell of non-stop suffering and fighting to survive each day, but I DO want to stick around long enough to at least figure out wtf happened! So if you bail early don't go expecting ME to tell you what went on. I'm gonna play dumb and you'll just have to wait to learn that lesson at some OTHER Armageddon!
Seriously! You think you get the chance at an Armageddon in every life you live? You might wait hundreds of lifetimes on dozens of worlds before you get another shot at this! This is the culmination of, if not the complete book, at least a major chapter in the history of an entire race of (mostly) sentient beings.
Frankly, I can't wait to see what happens next... will it be the total financial collapse of the U.S. or maybe martial law and quarantines when 9 out of 10 people start keeling over from some new food additive they forgot to tell us they were adding to bread or maybe... well, the possibilities are endless and I think it may be just about to get really good. Why not let's watch the show together? :P
Dear Jen
I feel like a terrible friend because I've seen you a few times this week but I didn't catch up with the blog so I had no idea this is where your thoughts were running to.
Jen I love your writing! It's great! Keep writing. I don't want you to stop writing.
Just how an artist goes about keeping up her writing, that's not for me, a non-artist, to comment. But whatever it is that turns on your gas and runs your motor, get to it, and keep writing!
Whenever I get in a jam like this, I always consult zodiac signs. And what I read about Capricorns is that they're determined persistent goats struggling up mountains, slow and steady, always trying to get higher but not always seeing what they're doing very clearly. It often takes them a very long time to get to where they want to be. Sometimes they get a little lost along the way because they're sidetracked by weaker people (often men they're attracted to) who use Capricons because they're strong and they have a great capacity for work. So then the Capricorns have to recover and refocus.I hope you do and I hope you don't stop. I think you're great!
Abby
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